What I came here to do

A reflection on finishing my time in New Jersey and with Covenant House.

I came here to learn. Some days I learned more than I wanted to. Other days were just boring. I think it's the boring ones that are hardest, the most difficult ones to justify "what am I doing here?" Have I learned? Yeah. I've learned that courage is a gut thing, and it's a lot harder than you'd think it is. I've learned that drugs and sex are often symptoms and coping mechanisms, that hedonism is often a fix. Our youth don't know how to be poor, but they sure are creative at coming up with ways of avoiding work sometimes. I've learned that sometimes the most loving thing to do is let things slide, and sometimes it's confronting someone (it's figuring out when is when is the trick). Respect has to be earned, and where there are cultural and age-based hangups, it takes even longer to do so. I've learned that I am very flexible: this is a strength, because I can easily adapt to anything. It is also a weakness, because sometimes I oblige in meeting low expectations or I can be too responsive to youth. Is that what makes me a leader? That I expand to my container, and so it's better for me not to have one? Or am I better number two, good to be under a Father-figure who will push me to do better, and to stop doing things every once in a while? I learned what Pot smells like, and the odor of Black and Milds, Newports. I still don't understand why people smoke, cuz I always think in terms of cost-benefit...and mostly cost...was this worth my time? I can't say this was the most enjoyable experience I've had, or the most spiritually fruitful time. But I think I can succeed anywhere now.

One day I decided to Kayak to work.

I came here to make a difference. Did I? I was loving. I was responsive, but very selfish at times. One of my housemates said I was girl-crazy. That scares me, seeing my vulnerability, I know now that I've been foolhardy to try and do the things I'm doing alone. Am I willing to put out the work to create a team? I talked with Alex a little about this yesterday, talking about human trafficking and I said something like "there's some of that selfishness in all of us," referring to, in my mind, johns, the staff who get fired, and all the pastors addicted to porn. But I did make a difference...sometimes giving advice, saying hello, helping people feel at home, or the extreme cases, breaking up fights or going to the ER with somebody. I was pretty confused about this, but my co-workers said they wanted me to stick around.



I came here to be a part of faith community...and while there was definitely community, it wasn't really a religious one. Was it natural? Yes. Did we share community? Yes. Was it awesome? Yes. I've learned so much from my housemates, and their love and support has been amazing. The agency is also well beyond post-Christian, and it was hard not being around almost any believers my age. It's strange, talking to people like Father Steve and Jenn, the "agency" or perhaps the Kingdom in their heads and their lives is beautiful and I want to be a part of that. But I only engaged the youth spiritually on occasion. The conversations come up, sure, but there was no shared worship, very little prayer. And part of me feels like that sort of trust and sharing is discouraged. Boundaries, right? But the more I talk to Father Steve, the more I realize most of these boundaries were in my own mind.

Youth GROUP: The Morning after our all-nighter

I know God used me to change the lives of my middle schoolers at Brigantine Bible. Last Sunday our "sunday school" discussion lasted straight through the service, two and a half hours, and we could have gone longer. I love these peeps, unreservedly, despite the exhaustive nature of each and every Friday night. This week we're doing an all-nighter, I'm totally excited and nervous. They're already sad and mad that I'm leaving. :/ I don't know what to do about that.

I came here because God provided an opportunity. Was this where I was supposed to be? This wasn't the healthiest phase of my life, although I learned a lot about myself. I think I might have started the healing process for my three years past relationship, and it's disturbing to me how much of this experience has been tainted by that, and by my tendency to compare to the awesome things that happened last summer. The first deeply influenced my lack of trust and ability to be vulnerable, the second my positivity and willingness to risk. Intellectually, I know that "it's what you do with what you got." So in some ways I'm pleased with my time here, I haven't spazzed quite so much about money and the future (easy to say now that it's sorted), and I tried to give what I could. I also know that I could've given so much more, if I had had the heart and the faith to be more vulnerable and more open to the Spirit. I know that I would have spazzed more had I been more engaged. But as Father Steve said, and many others before him, we have to entrust the results to God. And maybe that's what feels off about this time. God entrusted this time to me, but I didn't entrust this time to God. I've often felt like I've been living on faith borrowed from my future and my past. God, help us to know You in the now. Cambia mi corazón. A ti sea la gloria.