I arched my back, floating, catching my breath as the cold water sapped the strength from my arms and legs. "What am I doing here?" I thought to myself. Three-fourths of the way across the lake, I had to stop. I was afraid, but calm--I knew I needed to relax if I was going to make it.
Looking across the lake earlier that day, I was confident but nervous. I've swam larger distances recently. But there were a lot of unknowns: the cold, the depth, my tiredness. I pretty much have two fears...girls and money, ahem, I mean, heights and swimming. Swimming is intense for me, I'm not a strong swimmer.
Last year I caught myself resenting Twitter, this new device that seemed a pointless and unintelligible language. I was anti. One of my Oklahoma friends was a great example for me: when a controversial new book came out, she would read the book and make her own opinion rather than get caught in the church debates. So when I realized part of my anti-ness was fear, I went out and tried Twitter.
Many times people have told me "I could never..." (preach, be poor, live without ___ , live overse be far from my family, etc.), and I always want to argue with them, because it's such a blatant lie and cop-out. You never will because you'll never try. Have you been to a Holocaust museum? People are capable of much more than they imagine, for good and for evil, for survival, love, or hate. Having met a lot of street kids and orphans, I don't feel like I can do anything less than be involved in their lives. And I would challenge you to do the same. (Take a vision trip with Life of Hope, lifeofhope.org, or at least read a book about vulnerable youth.)
Most people fear what they don't understand. I think I fear misunderstanding, and perhaps, being afraid. When I hear or try something new, I try to get interested rather than nervous. When I see a lake, and reckon I can do it, I went for it. Yes, from one perspective, it was foolish. It was a completely unneccesary risk, and while I calculated all the variables, there were a lot of unknowns.
But I tell you, crossing rivers and oceans, when the waves crash over you, you're changed. I was thinking about this today after talking to my friend Amber, and she was talking about change and not liking it, and I thought to myself, I want to be like a surfer. That when the storms of life come, the waves crash in, when the winds of change come around, I want to get up and ride it out. Now, some waves aren't worth taking anywhere (Twitter might be one of those). Some waves you just gotta duck under and hope they don't smash you. Some waves put you through the spin cycle and spit you out. But as my life changes, as new cultures and currents shape me and our world, I want to face my fears, stand up and say "here I am, God, send me. I will follow.
I'm afraid of Central Asia. The cost will be high. I might sink or swim. But if I'm hearing Him right, God is calling me. And if He's going with me, I want to go!
Don't tell God your imagined limitations. Lord knows your real limitations, and Lord knows you COULD go to Africa or Compton or Tennessee or Manhattan and make a difference there. Lord knows you MIGHT not be the best person for it. But don't fear what you don't understand, every new thing is just another chance to learn, to grow, and do things you never thought you could. There is never a convenient time to go on mission. There's hardly ever a convenient time to drop everything and help a neighbor in need, or to start volunteering somewhere, or to spend a couple hours with God. But I can "do all things through him who gives me strength."
Amen.
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