Thirteen days in Norman hardly seems enough, although I saw almost everyone I was hoping to see. This is still home in many ways, and just the intensity of conversations kinda confirmed that. Unfortunately though, the “college town” mentality was evident, as I think a lot of people just were thinking I had graduated and moved on, or that I'm just out wandering. Also somewhat discouraging to me, no one took me up on my offers to be involved in formal ministry, but there were plenty of conversations to be had. I also hosted a music night for my hosts, and made a ridiculous and somewhat unauthentic Lithuanian feast for 8 of my friends who wanted to hear about past doings and present plans, which was a really awesome time of fellowship.
God was speaking! Mike at Cru talked about God's faithfulness; I love hearing Mike speak, because it always convicts me to remember that the gospel isn't about me doing things for God, but what God's done for me. At the end of the day, God's wants my heart. At Intervarsity we discussed Isaiah 58, a passage that was introduced to me on my first experience with them, a Spring break trip to new Orleans during my senior year of high school. It hasn't stopped convicting me since, and I really feel I need to make the time to sabbath in my life. (Sure enough, everything went wrong on Saturday until I did) You can pray that I would be faithful in that.
Ben, who is deaf, pointed out that Israel is treating God like he's blind in this passage. They're saying, "we've prayed, we've fasted" now it's your turn God, but they haven't turned from greed and sin, and their lives definitely don't reflect the radical love and justice God calls us to. It reminded me of myself, this summer, telling God, "Hey, I'm a missionary, where's my support, where's my wife? You gotta take care of this stuff!" Of course, my attitude in that was entirely self-seeking, just trying to save face and satisfy myself. Meanwhile, God was calling me to obedience, faith, and to stop seeking my own interests. As my Jersey peeps might say, better check yourself before you wreck yourself.
One of the most stressful things for me was repacking my things again. I was to the point where I was like "God, if I have to throw out one more book, I'm just giving up." It's rather comical really. I have three boxes, two bags, and a guitar to my name, but I freak out about having to give up one more box, thinking "I just couldn't live without this." And it wasn't really about the books, it was about status, about feeling like a professional, about wanting to be a cool poetry professor someday. I gave up that particular dream a few years ago, but going through my things again, I had to revisit my decision. Would I be married by now? Would I be a popular youth pastor? A dynamic worship leader? Published? I don't know. Perhaps. But when I think about everything I've experienced and learned these past two years, I can't say I'd trade it for security. To live by fear isn't much of a life.
On Sunday, Karl at Cornerstone, my home church in Norman, preached on Luke 9...let's just say this whole chapter is astonishing. But Karl focused in on the part where three men come to Jesus and want to follow. Jesus tells the first one that the son of man has no place to rest his head, that he must leave his home behind. A second man wants to make sure his family's affairs are in order first. Jesus says "let the dead bury their dead," a very complex and rather harsh statement. A third man just wanted closure, to say good-bye to his family, and Jesus says "no one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for the kingdom of God. I, like Lot's wife, am always glancing back, counting the loss, rather than the cost. But like Funky says, “yo no vuelvo por atras." No turning back. I'm a full-time missionary now, I guess I will be for the next year or two, at which point the plan is to get a real-job in Central Asia and live as normal subversive teacher/pastor/father to orphans. :)
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