Ticket

Today I was reading Father Fiction by Donald Miller, and he was talking about being a fatherless young man and feeling like manhood was some exclusive club where you had to do certain things and be certain things to be a man and Miller cuts right through this and basically says like "here's the man test:  if you have a penis, God says you're a man."

I've been thinking about my life a lot lately.  I haven't been happy; I've been trying to figure out why.   And I think most of it goes back to validation.

Being in Kyrgyzstan has stretched the limits of my ego and identity.  Many people's first reaction to me is "What are you doing here?"  And in my insecurity, I often take that as "You don't belong here."  Russian Grammar is a constant reminder that I'm "not good enough."  I confuse simple words, or get excluded from a conversation because I'm not expected to understand something, or maybe a friend says "forget it" cuz it's too much work to explain a few words.   I was told not to trust anyone, and quite frankly, about 85% of people I run into ask me about giving them private tutoring in English or getting visas to America, etc.  Starting out as a teacher, I was not very good at it.  I was not just "outside the box" which kinda meant that most of the other teachers were like "who is this hack?" but there was also the language barrier and getting used to a new system.  After I got better, I looked to my students to respond, get excited, and do the homework they said they understood.  And I got SO frustrated with a couple classes and I realized that I wasn't really angry that they refused to do the work or whatever; I was frustrated that they refused to give me validation as a teacher.  I dread monthly updates because I long for validation, but I don't always have good news or feel like I've been a good "missionary" this month.   So my job isn't validating me so I turn to art, but the appreciation is never as much as I think I deserve, and I don't have time to fully realize my goals or artistic vision.  So I go on some dates because if I find a wife, that should make me a man.  Or I start flirting, because if women love me, that should make me a man.   


And this is all crap.  I love my sister Kate; being around her is one of the most freeing things.  Kate's the kind of person who will walk away from the computer for 15 minutes while you're skyping with her if something comes up.  And all my ego just wants to SCREAM at her almost every time she's around, cuz she doesn't validate me like I want her to.  She doesn't tell me that I'm important or hang on my words.  And after the shock of her not fulfilling my expectations, I love being around her cuz I'm just free to live and follow God without putting on an act or being my best.  Her unconditional love allows me to be my best.

Basically, I've fallen into this way of thinking that "I'm not __________ because I don't deserve ______."  I have an unvalidated man/artist/teacher/missionary-card and I'm frantic to get it stamped or make it look like it has the seal of official approval.  And this has kind of  become a hell.  Because if I'm sick (and I've been sick a lot), "God's not validating my call."  If I'm doing poorly or sinning or I'm poor it's because deep down I always knew that blessing and joy were for someone else, someone better equipped, someone whose card is shiny and not torn, somebody with a big smile who never broke a girl's heart or had doubts about God and never once used their ministry or porn for validation because they were the real chosen ones and I'm just pretending.  Which brings me back to Miller's Penis test.

I am a man.  I have given my life to God, and He has called me to Kyrgyzstan.  There has been suffering, yes, but also many joys as I serve in various small groups and orphanages.  I am a missionary.  I've held down a teaching job for two years, and I actually like it sometimes.   I am a teacher.  I have had my poetry published online and on two continents, and I've completed my first book.  I am a poet.  I have two self-recorded albums that, while not the most professional, were great accomplishments.  I lead worship twice a week in my third language.  I am a musician, a songwriter, and a vocalist.  I've known these things theoretically, but it's a battle to live them as I keep listening to the people who say "you're not really that, you're just..." (here to slum.   a traveller.  a flash in the pan.  a young single guy.  another American with a God complex.)

One of the things I don't know what to do with is my attitude towards money.  I've been sick a lot lately, and I'm realizing...things like vegetables and a decent winter coat shouldn't be luxuries.  It doesn't matter what I deserve or what I could do without, I need to start budgeting things besides rent and rice and tithe and music and trips.  And I realize part of this growing up, and it's not that I don't know how to be responsible, it's just my bottom line has trained me to try to be as tight as possible and not admit any unneccessary or unjustifiable expenses.  Something here's got to give.

I've told my students 6 times in the last four months that an idol is an avatar of our desires.  And that only God can answer the deepest questions, questions like "who are we,"  "are we lovable," "what do I deserve?," and "What was I made for?"  And well, I'm starting to believe I was right. 

The guys at the children's home...some of them beat on each other a lot.  Because the broken ones think that's what men do and so they use bullying to validate their manhoods.  My students, guys and girls, are desperate for my approval, especially in the form of what "grade" they'll get.  Validation.  I so desperately want to tell them sometimes...it doesn't matter if it was a 4 or 5 or 2.  Don't you see how proud of you I am?   Don't you see I care about you and you're growing into an awesome young man/woman? 

So maybe you're like me and you're the sort of person who generally thinks that when people talk about successful, normal, healthy, people, they're talking about someone else.  Well, I'm here to say "get off it."  Men, you have a penis, i.e., you are a man.  Stop waiting for someone else to make you become one, find some mentors, some sabbath, and some self-respect and start living like it.  Find what you're supposed to do and do it and let the results be what they are.  They're not you.  Women, stop waiting on prince charming or for something good to happen to you.  It's so obvious and painful to see you painting up and putting yourselves down because you don't realize how intelligent, capable, and beautiful you are. 

You were made in the image of God.  100% original.  Factory-certified GOOD.  We have been broken, yes, but that doesn't change who we are.  Stop waiting on someone else to validate your ticket to live.  You were made with a purpose, and you've got one life, and it was made for living!   So go do it.  God, like a good Father and teacher, wants to say to you. "Don't you see it doesn't matter what grade you got or how bad you messed up?  You're learning!  You're growing, you're living and I love You!  Stop moping and let's do this, together.  And smile kid, this should be fun!"   :)