I don't have very many things. So I was pretty upset when I realized that the bag of things that I hoped were waiting in Mexico weren't there. In Mexico, I'd had two bags of belongings, and half of one was gone! I realized though, that whatever things I had had here...were things that I had lived without for the last three years, and I couldn't honestly remember what the things I'm missing would be...except for one thing...the kids from the home had given me a bunch of their stuffed animals as gifts, and I had hoped one day to give those to my kids in my own similar home. Letting go of that dream was the hardest.
Adding to this, I was asked to teach guitar, but the guitars I had given money for weren't there. They'd never been bought.
I wanted to explode. Instead I went to a trusted friend in the know, one of the older girls from the home. And she was like "well, probably they forgot about the guitars, and your stuff, well, I'm not really sure but it wasn't malicious, everything gets moved around." She knew her parents and gave them the benefit of the doubt without a second thought. Which allowed me to do the same.
The earmarked money was there in the books, sitting unused. With 17 kids, a trip to downtown Mexico City isn't something you do on a regular basis, and just going is a whole-day ordeal. So I went to finish what I started, and got three decent guitars for good prices. The kids were pretty excited about it. One of the girls had one of them out before 730 the next morning. One of the girls who had decided before that I was her enemy, had nevertheless been the only one to always meet my expectations with practicing. It showed nearly three years later, as she was easily able to pick up where we had left off, playing almost as well as me. She now has her own guitar, the other two are to share.
On Sunday, one of the guys my age preached on expectations. He talked about so often, we get angry with others and with God because we have certain expectations of how we want or expect things to be, but they're often not met. Jonah, for example, wanted a fireworks show, and found the idea that Nineveh was worthy of anything but utter destruction was beyond his racist ability to fathom. He would rather die than see Nineveh repent. And he tried to die once, but God didn't let him off the hook so easily, sending a whale along.
I had come to Mexico full of insecurity and fear. And not even the meagre expectations I had were met. But it didn't really matter at all. People are people. They let us down, we hurt each other. Things get lost in the shuffle. I completely understood losing an e-mail and a mandate...actually, I did the exact same thing to the American girl who is volunteering at the ranch right now! She had asked me for poetry help three years ago. And I had never gotten back to her. She gave me the benefit of the doubt as well. And the other girl I'd only reconciled with on my last day in Mexico last time (who ignored me for months) welcomed me as a long-lost brother.
I'm pretty sure all my worldly possessions would fit in a sedan. And when I lose something, I feel unsafe, like I'm not in control. And that's not a fun feeling, it's scary. Don't I have anything I can call mine? Don't I deserve something more? I had a choice: to let bitterness get the better of me, or to forgive and move on. I spent one morning looking for my lost things. I ended up finding just two of my books, one of which I had wanted to give one of the kids anyway. In the end, I didn't even look through half of the places I was supposed to look. The kids and the things God was doing were SO much more important than...whatever it was I'd left behind. I'm learning to give God the benefit of the doubt: whatever I've left behind, whatever I've not had because of this journey I'm on...honestly, just being a "have not" (which I'm not really) in some areas has made my life so rich...whatever I gain and lose: He's got His reasons. And while I thought I was going to Mexico to retrieve a bag of things...God had much bigger plans. :)
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