What do you have to prove? Living as an M, sometimes, everything? Your life, your finances, everything you have is not your own and the people who support you either believe in you and support you or they don't and pretty much everything they hear about is what you tell them...there was a time where I felt guilty for buying a CD or even thinking about spending money on something I wanted.
Over the last two years, I felt I had to prove myself in so many ways:
1)As an inexperienced teacher, I did three times as much work as I needed to, and made the students do twice as much as they needed to, because I wanted to be taken seriously.
2)As a speaker of Russian. I've had people literally just shut me down because they assumed my Russian wasn't good enough to maintain a friendship. I've been told I can't teach in Russian (even though I do all the time).
3)As a foreigner who was expected to leave quick and never come back.
4)As a single man. Yeah, just because I'm not married and could be doesn't mean there's something seriously wrong with me.
5)As a person capable of a romantic relationship. (This was often a cause of a lot of stress)
6)A servant/preacher/pastor/musician. Because my immediate community didn't want to use me for any of these things. And that's kind of who I am.
And all this time, I was trying to prove myself to God, because I reckoned if I was really good and forwent all selfishness, God would owe me happyness and success and whatever I wanted basically. Talk about a spoiled brat with an entitlement complex. Tim Keller put it this way: "[The Elder brother's] spiritual problem is insecurity that comes from basing his self-image on achievements and performance." (Prodigal God) He goes on to talk about how the older brother's basic mode of operation is just manipulating God to get what he wants, he just chooses the acceptable religious way of doing things. Of course, trying to manuver yourself into a position where you can blackmail a perfect God is an exercise in absolute futility.
And so I was faced with a crisis. Either God wasn't good because he wasn't giving me what I wanted. Or I wasn't good and that's why I was constantly disappointed. So for a lot of this time I've been ping-ponging back and forth between hating and avoiding God cuz I wasn't getting what I wanted (above all, affirmation), and spurts of exertion in which I tried to be as good as possible.
I noticed more than a few ironies through this period. One, God wasn't holding out on me. Generally, everything I actually had the moxie to ASK God for, I got. Once I asked for $1000 and, not consulting anyone, the next day got $2000 out of the blue. Another time my flight was cancelled giving me $800 when I had prayed for $700. I have the new camera, Kindle, recording equipment, and computer that I had asked God for. Despite my bipolar relationship with Him, nearly every small group or church service was another little miracle where he was calling out my heart and showing me that I was known and loved.
In hindsight, I don't know how to feel about the breakthroughs that started happening this summer. God started showing me the ways He's grown me and what I'm capable of. I put together a camp with my friend. I did a one-man mission's trip to the south. I ended up being good at the thing I thought I was terrible at a couple times...getting people to come to events. With the help of a few very capable friends, I recorded a Russian-language worship album. Were these milestones? Breaking through and proving myself? Or was this me coming back into the man I'm supposed to be after a time of frustration? I don't know. I know God's good, and He uses me sometimes, and I like it when He does.
But in spite of all this, I still felt schismatic inside when I left Kyrgyzstan in. I didn't want anything to do with God. I wanted a break from the yo-yo of overstressed good boy and runaway. I comforted myself with thoughts of freedom. Of hitch-hiking across Europe with no entanglements and nothing to prove. Of escaping. Of at least a week or two within which I wouldn't have to perform or speak up for myself because I was going to be taken for granted. I convinced myself that since I was on my way to dying in ministry, I deserved a break and I should go see some of the things I'd never have the chance to see in the future, like the Lourve and Amsterdam's impressionism (I also met friends and was killing time to meet my friends' schedules, but...). It wasn't long before I realized the burden I was carrying was far too heavy for hitch-hiking. I got sick on the third day of travelling, stuck in a hostel in Belgrade. The costs were adding up. It also rained, which meant that busking, which was the way I'd hoped to subsidize my travelling was out. So I used the money I had, which was support. :(
Along the way, I was talking one beautiful girl, an old acquaintance, with whom I had expected to flirt. We started talking, and it was apparent that she was really hurt and discouraged about her life. As soon as saw her for who she was, I was deeply ashamed at my selfishness. Seeing someone in need, my immediate response was to try to help. So instead of going on some sort of date, we actually did a life-coaching session. I was praying for her and encouraging her to seek God and positive non-romantic community. I had expected and feared that, given a blank slate, that I would find myself running away from God into something that was better which I had missed out on, never having my "big rebellious phase" of childhood. But I quickly started to realize that the man I want to be is the man I've been striving and working to be. And that although there are plenty of lies in my head, and even though all of this trying to prove myself has left me feeling empty and wasted, given a blank slate, the man I want to be is the man I've been trying to be, and it's just lies that have kept me thinking that I'm "missing out" and "faulty" and "not doing enough."
The problem wasn't with my identity...the places I was working were over and under-using me. Part of that is my problem for not setting work boundaries. Part of that is my problem for committing to communities who weren't committed to me. But a lot of it is that in my zeal to prove myself, I was unhealthily seeking every opportunity, even if it burned me out. And my two authorities responded to this in opposite ways. One, by giving me more, the other, by hardly giving me anything. I don't know which is better.
As I went across Europe, different parts of my identity were re-affirmed and used in powerful ways. My music and stories touched a bunch of people in Germany, England, and Lithuania, and my pastoral counselling was to the point where my friends were recommending it to each other in Lithuania. My Polish friends organized or had me play concerts. Different people re-affirmed me through financial support or words of encouragement, and others, my old friends, were just there with me through the mess. Perhaps most importantly, the picture of who I am, who've I've been, and who I'm becoming...and all the mistakes, failures, and frustrations involved...seemed at last to come together into a cohesive whole.
As a teen, I realized that the only reliable source of my identity was that I belong to God. I am His. I've spent a lot of the last few years trying to prove that I'm good at that. Yeah, it's ridiculous, I know. Because at least if I'm impressive, people will respect me. I can give more, spend less, and spend more time doing ministry than others. That's not always bad. A lot of conventional missions are just ridiculous. Westerners live with a ridiculous amount of money a lot of times, and often don't do the work to become a part of the culture they're serving in or do what they're doing well.
And more often than not, the reason for that is the same as mine. Seeing needs and feeling self-important, we rush in without taking the time to learn languages and invest in preparation, we try to keep the world from falling apart. The world needs me! But no, I am not so important. I need God. And the world needs Him. He has called me to preach, to sing, to share, to teach. And I think that's true of every one of us, if we're willing to hear. But glorifying God is not about proving ourselves and our own usefulness for Him. It's about moving when He moves, and being faithful with what He's given us.
When I think about the last few years, I have no clue why God is still invested in me. Why I still hear his voice when I go to church, or why he uses me. I've been spoiled and ungrateful, but He's been faithful and good, rich in mercy. These last few months, I've once again been awoken to the riches of his goodness, and the depths of my brokenness. But where these two things meet, something beautiful happens. And I will continue to spend myself, not because the world needs me and will die without me. But because I have been given a voice, His mercies are new, and I have been called to sing. Because I am His, and I want to know Him and make Him smile.
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