Insecurities

So...I was writing these out the other day:  my fears/doubts.  And I thought maybe it would help some of you to hear them or maybe you can pray about them for me?

1)Am I capable of healthy romantic relationship?  Am I lovable?   How can I/do I/what do I need to change about myself?  How do I overcome my manipulative/emotionally abusive tendencies? 
2)What do I do about the relationships I have?  How do I relate to girls that I love and care about who aren't the one?
3)Will I have enough money to make it there?  Is it okay for me to do or buy something for me that's not an "investment."  Where's the line? 
4)Is this trip worth it?  I'm tired.
5)Where is my rest?  When?  Where is the sabbath in this next year?  When will I be able to feel safe and at home?
6)Why doesn't God show up in my friends' lives more?  Why don't we change?
7)Is my performance convincing?   Is my life showing who God is well?   How much "doing" am I responsbile for?   How do I strive and maintain open hands when hopes are deferred?   When should I be firm in selling the fact that I do have a lot to share that is life-changing and when should I just say "well, it's their loss."  Is it okay if I don't share/put on events?  Can I just stop for a while?
8)Are the weeds in my garden going to keep growing?  How do I uproot them? 
9)How do I deal with my anxiety?  I mean I teach classes on stress/coping.  I'm aware...but...I still get very anxious sometimes.
10)Why do I have so many ideas?  How many of them am I responsible for and how do I delegate them to the world?
11)Why is it harder for me to separate myself from things emotionally now?  It didn't used to be.
12)Why is it that, even though I'm putting myself out there in huge ways, and people love and shower me with acceptance and...everything I do depends on them...why do I still doubt myself and get paralyzed when a few people don't respond to my messages/calls? 
13)I tend to hurt the people I'm closest to and some people go to great lengths to ignore me.  Am I toxic?  How do I deal with rejection? 
14)Why do I have so much baggage and lack of trust when it comes to authority?  Why do my authorities tend to leave me feeling unused and uncelebrated and unnecessary or overworked and unrespected?  
15)I know who I am.  Why do I feel like I have to prove it?  Why do I feel like I have to fight to just...use my gifts?

So... I don't know.  Having written this, you should know this isn't the whole picture.  Just a doubt day.  And I guess I'll write a faith day to try to balance it sometime in the next week, because I do feel very loved and accepted and grateful and this trip has been such an amazing time of affirmation and new adventures, and being able to do things and minister in ways I had only dreamed of previously.  My life generally alternates between these two extremes, some days I can do 15 things and put myself out there to 50+ people and other days I don't call anyone just because I don't want to face the simple rejection of the possibility that they might not pick up the phone.

I hope that in trying to prove myself you never get the impression that my life is anything other than His power being perfect in my weakness.