Getting Ready to Go

It's Monday, second time I've tried to write this. I'm scattered. Things undone linger on my hand and in my mind for weeks. What have I done these last six months? Monday was a reminder of some of the things. I did P.E. with the older kids, we ran and did field events with rocks and sticks. Right now I just made popcorn for our youth group. It reminds me of Oklahoma, planning, not knowing if anyone will show, only here at the ranch, it's a question of whether or not they'd rather watch TV. But so far we've had at least two every week.

I can't help but compare this time to the one before it, in New Jersey. Like here, I was lonely there, although I liked my work and believed in it. In both places, I felt like my bosses didn't lead me and I settled for working on my own projects with much of my heart and head. Although I don't have an album to show for it this time around, I've posted 24 of the 31 songs of "March Madness" to Youtube.

I want to buy the Zaragozas a guitar, so the kids can continue playing. They have the basics they need now, one or two of them are ready to use it in a worship band. Angie lead worship in youth group numerous times and one morning on our last missions trip. We're going to play "The Nails in Your Hands" in church on Sunday. I'm debating whether spending $40-50 is worth giving them Cajun Boil as a going away "I love you." These are the hardest things about living the way I do. I can survive without so many things. But not being able to host, to give gifts, or feeling wasteful when you do. I want to visit everyone in the states, but I feel strange not having anything to give besides my presence. Of course, that's all I really want from my friends. But I have to rely on them for more.

In spite of the constant complaints from most (Jocelin at least is always early to English class and complains when I miss guitar with her), I love my job here. I wish I would've spoken more truth, more prayer, more love into all of it rather than worrying about lesson planning. I know that at least most of the kids love me.

Next Wednesday I'm gonna abandon a bunch of kids whose lives has been defined by abandonment. Glory to God, and thanks to the Zaragozas, their stories don't end there, and they are surrounded by love and some semblance of structure (As much as you would expect with a family of 18.) I'm still amazed by what the Zaragozas have done, and although, were it my choice, I'm not sure I would stay or if there would be a place for me here long-term, I think picking 15 lives out of abandonment and transforming them into voices and workers for good is a worthy cause to spend a life on, better than most. Sounds a lot like what Jesus did too. Of course, just lavishing love on others is more than enough of a worthwhile cause.

I'll be 25 this summer. I've worked, travelled, and worn myself to exhaustion in the three years since graduation. I don't have any objective manner of measuring what I've received. Experience. Maturity. Quite a bit of pain. Quite a bit of love.